Can't sleep no.2

Can't sleep.. what do? Start pondering on the deep shit in life and start reflecting till you lose yourself lol. Also because I have a mechanical keyboard now with clicky noises when I type, It feels really good... :P 

So what am I gonna talk about today? Weeeellll I had a thought and started thinking.. "Hey! What if I could go back in time and redo my college days". Then obviously I'd make the right choices and play my cards right from the very beginning... even go after that girl again but this time with a different approach. So how would it go? Well it would be like this.

Sem 1. I go to college. I'd definitely train seriously and take a chance to study Basic Drawing seriously and never give up on my trusty old pencil and paper. I'd push my exercises as much potential as I had and obviously made use of all the time I had as a student and most probably still procrastinate but still be able to have fun while meeting the deadlines earlier than expected for amendments. I'd obviously choose my dialogues wisely against classmates in my class.. I'd be friends with Andy no doubt.

Sem 2. I'd try to be friends with the rest and try to show my worth in a group assignment. That way I would be on good terms with everyone. In this sem I would have teamed up with her for the first time and would try to perform better than I did.I would still have to face the hardships of a certain Lecturer B's classes but at least I'd knew what to do. Really, really play around with Photoshop in this semester again. but still use contents for my assignments as I really liked them. And hell yeah I would still go back to JB and establish a name in the records for Initial D again (there goes my money again orz)

Sem 3. Hoo this is the sem where I crashed and burned.. but if everything went fine in previous sems I would have did the same stuck to my routines and meet deadlines and show steady progress in Digital Illustration and most possibly try to score a B+ for it rather than a C -.-. I wouldn't give her chocolates on valentines day because I would know that she's not into me. I would still maintain as a friend and try to know her more. I would still wear my school uniform as I would still feel attached to it and get discounts for taking bus. LOL!

Man I am really talking about her in each sem now am I. Shit. On a side note.. most probably wont play initial D when im in Selangor because I would have chose to go into gunpla instead. Not to mention when I'm back for the sem break I have my alone time,gunpla and Initial D 5.. Shieeet.

Sem 4. This sem was the sem I woke up and push hard. but of course.. as a redo.. I would have done the same.. but try to achieve better than before. Obviously another Lecturer would be a challenge but I would have kept my cool about it.

Sem 5. Aaaahhh another short sem where I would do everything quickly.. This time we went into an abandoned flat for filming... and I would have made a musical instead of a music video... -_-

Sem 6. I would study more on web designs and get into Jquery and parallax scrolling would still be the website I'd like to make. I would have enjoyed all the hangouts together more with my college mates... 

Sem 7. Internship. AAAAAhhh so where would I have gone? Well obviously to another company for web design. most possibly with my college mate.. and then end up learning more about web design.

Sem 8. Final sem yo! I would still use flash because I wouldn't have the time to make a 3d game.

Nothing much to say about the other sems because I've said it earlier - -. I would still be drawing and enjoying my pencil and paper. The money I got from the left over in PTPTN would still be used for my music. ehuheueh. I would still be using Photoshop, Dream weaver, and After Effects as they were the software I personally liked using :). Damn looking back at my assignments only leaves me wondering how the hell I did them.... But think about this Jon. If it wasn't for you well paid job. You wouldn't have got those SHURE earphones, your gaming headsets and mechanical keyboard. Your gunpla and your figure collections.Thats all.. man its pretty late now.. gotta go sleep Zzz.

BACK TO THE OLD WAYS OF JON360!

Can't sleep. So I started blogging instead.

Hi guys, It has been awhile again while I've made another blog post as always. But I just felt like typing and speaking out my mind because I'm really bored (I can't sleep) and stressed out. Also feeling like I'm against a wall and at the end of my line again. 

This time.. again.. I am kind of fed up with "work" or I could say.. my career. It doesn't feel like a career anymore, and reading my previous blog post I said "All I want to be is happy" is a really hard and unclear message in life. You could say that I've started looking at other career paths or even just a job to earn my income as I loosen up abit. But hey, I'm still not that confident in other paths but I don't mind working hard to succeed it just to make sure I don't end up in the same situation again. Having insomnia, worrying every time I go to sleep at night. Trying to enjoy life in every way but still end up feeling frustrated over the little things that don't go right for me. I mean, since I am a guy who likes the little happy things in life. I really get stressed easily when I cant have em. Quitting a career ain't an easy decision. I mean, you have to take into account about your financial, future plans, and also your health. You wouldn't want to be broke, sick and starving at the same time right? I mean that felt like shit and I've went through that before. I just feel really worried to go back to that situation again.. I mean.. hell I made a promise to myself never to starve when I started working and had cash. I had a few ideas even though I think they're utter bullshit. I wanted to join my friend and try out the entrepreneur route but then again, that's shit really hard than what I'm facing. Oh what am I saying.. every path has its own struggles. The other one was also similar as in starting my own business but of course like my friend said, I'd need to have a capital to start one. And lord knows how good the business will be based on how risky or how safe it is. Then again, the previous blog post kinda made me calm down abit and just say. "I'll do anything I want as long as that keeps me happy!" But that's not enough... I'll have to say "I'll do anything I want as long as that keeps me, my family and my friends happy!" I mean. I also wish I could enjoy times with friends and family before its too late. I wouldn't want to regret losing another person and not doing the things I wanted to do. So that's all I wanted to say in this blog post. A pretty boring and random blog post I'd say. But I'll try to sleep peacefully as hard as I can from now own lol.

Pondering upon career paths.

I guess it is sort of true when I choose the road for design, one of the reasons was that I wasn't good at the scientific side of the academics.. but of course.. when all your life you were studying on the science stream.. making a leap to the art stream is a very big decision.. you might experience other people being better than you at basics just because they were an art student from the start.. but of course.. having passion can change ones game.. but how long can you struggle to achieve that dream.. before you'd forget about all the important things around you. Sometimes people say "Hey, its something you like right? So why hate doing it?" Then I'd say "Sometimes, just because you like it.. doesn't mean you'd do it." You should instead ask, what do you like about it? Just because people like football doesn't mean they wanna be a professional footballer, Just because people like photography doesn't mean they want to be a photographer. They tend to be things that we wanna do out of our freetime or pleasure that some people had changed into their career. So what happens then when people picks up something as their passion/career? Well.. for my case.. I'd just wanted to get involved with what I see on screen everyday.. and thats a very vague scope for me.. So I tried narrowing it down by studying into certain fields... from design.. to an animator.. I always liked to draw.. but obviously I didn't have the courage to continue after facing very harsh criticism.. Its like all those hours of practice and work didn't made a single difference in that person's eyes. Hopes crushed, I moved on to another field... Design. Design was actually pretty hard to handle at first.. The basics were hard to apply to your work. Originality always get questioned when you use a certain principle. So at the end of the day, nothing is as original as it is in design lately. Which I got tired of with clients who just don't keep the end of their deal and being treated like a robot. Which leads me to being employed by a company instead for a more stable job of income. I was interested in Post-production but I never had the chance. It felt hard as hell when doing motion graphics and I can see how much time and effort is put into certain visuals, but it always feels as if you know the technical stuff, you'd be able to do it no sweat. after all.. lecturers always told me After Effects was sorta like Photoshop except video, and with that I edited videos with AE as if it was like photoshop... a really time and effort consuming photoshop. On to the next, I went to a certain company to study animation at the same time try to explore and be inspired by it.. and hell of course I was inspired the shit out of animation. But at the end of this line, you'll get tired and deadlines and time constraints just don't let you feel as if your work is play anymore.

Which leads me to the current situation.... "What do you want to do now Jon? Would you want to continue this career? or stop because you can't take it anymore? The answer is not that simple anymore as you get older. Time slips further away from you. Though you're not the one to be complaining... Hell.. You're not even 21 yet.. but of course.. change in general in anyway in your life.. would have a price to pay for it.. You want to get another job? You'd have to be prepared or suffer financial problems. You want to change careers? You'd have to work for that money you need to study for another course you want. You just want to get a job and earn cash up the ranks? You either get stuck at a certain payslip forever or have no better future job options." So you see.. life only has one shot at your careers.. you either keep trying till the end.. or keep on changing and hope you feel satisfied with what you've accomplished. So what do I wanna do? I don't know... I'm not interested at anything anymore at the moment.. you could say I'm very tired and I just want to focus all the stuff that's outside my career. After all.. I've always wanted to have a life that isn't about your career/interests only. As I said before.. life consists of the little things like a cup of cofee on a relaxing evening, or a date with a girl that you've always wanted to go out with. Having a hobby that suffices as enough accomplishment in your life.. because the more you know it.. I'm just that of a simple man. I don't need to be the best designer/animator/artist/gunpla builder in the world... I just want to live life with its little happy things. I don't want to earn up to millions.. not even hundreds.. I'd be happy if I just had savings and EPF each month. I'd be happy if my stomach was full each meal. I'd be happy if my house was small but comfortable. I'd be happy if I am just able to talk to my friends and laugh with them everyday. I'd be happy if I was so free to a point to makeover myself and take care of my hygiene. I'd be happy if there were just this happy little things.. :) So at the end of the whole thing.. What do you want to do Jon? All I could say is.. all I want to be is happy. All I want is for me to go to bed comfortable every night... hahahahah.. Thats all I can say for now..

Life out of college.

Hello there. It's been a hell long of a time every since I've posted. I wanted to make a post as soon as I graduate but I just felt too lazy to do it. But now here it is, an update.

First of all. Let's talk about leaving college and entering the working life for the first time. It was quite an uncomfortable transition but I didn't kill myself over it. I've gotten used to working life and have already forgotten about the college days even though it was only yesterday. Half a year has already passed since I've started working. Days like these seem endless to me... it feels like I have fallen into another abyss. I have a loan to pay and a commitment to hold every month. Yes, the adult life seems very plain and boring to me. No hangouts, no friends, colleagues are kept as colleagues due to trust issues. Games are getting boring, life is getting a lot more on the small side where something simple is enough to satisfy me, yet I still feel restless.

Feels like life has moved on to episode two. Everything is way different than it is during high school building up to now. Family is a lot more important as you grow older. Friends are too. Choose them wisely. It feels sad that I am not sociable enough and sometimes painful to think that I am alone, but I am also conflicted by the fact that I want to have alone time. So I look for stuffs to do alone. (i.e. a Hobby).

Here is a picture of my Hobby.

Life might feel quite meaningless but I also remember that I am pursuing a career, but if this is what I really wanted. I would not have complained in the first place. Truth is, I don't know what I really want. Life isn't just about your dreams. I can only wonder what's in store for me next.  I also might be am a very weak Christian right now as I have not gone to church at all(Probably once in a blue moon). Its very complicated.

Hoping to have a partner to share my life with, but at the same time too stubborn to change my own habit to get one. I've gotten tired of doing anything. I mostly focus on my personal stuffs now rather than people. I  might be turning in to am a very selfish person. 

What lies ahead I think? Well... I hope I have the strength to see through it till the end.

Hello Autumn 2013!

Hello there, its been awhile again since I've updated from during my internship. Lets just say. All is well. It went out okay. Its not the best, but I'm very happy with the experience. No regrets. Though I still haven't finish my final report yet.. SHIT!

Soooo, JB was a nice holiday. I get to hang out with my high school friends more. Plus get to know my junior, Woody; more. Though he didn't ask my name and just wrote 'Sotong' when I went to buy a drink at Starbucks - -. Enjoyed my stay at JB for around 3 days. Felt quite relaxed at places like this that brings back memories that was only 2-4 years behind yet feels so nostalgic. Huh.... normally the word nostalgic is used to relate to something really far back. Oh well. Moving on, met up for the gathering on Saturday lunch. enjoyed Japanese ramen. Soon that I realized, I was already back in Subang living a lifeless life everyday just on the internet while waiting for the new semester to start. 

Ah yes. Animu this fall has some of my favourites, so it ain't that half bad. :). That's all for now. Oh yes. updated music on blog.. enjoy this slow jazz. Peace out!

ITS TIME. FOR INTERNSHIP. >:)

こんにちは! Hello! A short post from me in awhile. This time of the year is when the battles get hard and having absolute resolve and steel determination is what gets me through this semester. It will be the hardest hurdle I'll face ever yet. At the same time. Its gonna be the most exciting adventure of my career life!

Currenty I am an Intern Animator in Les' Copaque Sdn. Bhd. (For those who dont know what company it is, its the company that makes Upin and Ipin and Pada Zaman Dahulu).

Now I know how people don't like to do stuff like this or people say "Doing 3D work like that? Pfft. Thats humiliating."

All I can say to that person is that they are missing out on a lot of stuff and they don't understand how fun it is at this company and how much you'll learn and how good the standard is here. Animation here is tough with tight deadlines. But 3d modeling too is tough with the discipline and how neat your work needs to be compared to animation :).

So there is a fair amount of struggle in each departments, thats all I could say. Apart from work here in the company, its quite a ward and friendly company because everyone here wants to be creative and have fun while working. Learning is a though process. It takes time, effort, and practice to hone your skills and get a better understanding. 

しかあああああああああし！BUUUUUUUUT!

THAT WONT STOP ME FROM MY ADVENTURE UP THE STAIRS IN MY CAREER!

いくぜ! ONWARD! TOWARDS VICTORY~!

with steel determination. absolute resolve. and fiery passion. >:)

Reality strikes.

Sup..... its been awhile since I posted.... I've just finished my 6th semester and next semester is Industrial Training.. or known as.. Internship. I've found my identity and self-branding in design. I've gotten closer to people I like; and, had all the opportunity I could get with that special someone. Though I've not been taking any of those opportunities... rather.. I just shun them away from me. Today I woke up from a dream that has "TOLD" me so hard... the first thing i did when i open my eyes was shout "F***, F***! , F***KING! F***K!". Yes I was extremely pissed at what my dream told me I could have done while I was that...

The train station that I waited at.

photo taken from here

Could have, Would have, Should have. Its all gone now. Though when another opportunity comes. I'm still not sure if I'll hesitate or I'll make my move. As the older I get.. falling in love with people happens even lesser... and letting it go is even harder...
--REALITY--
 That being said, let me explain to you that timeless Monday night when I was coming back from college done with my assignments and going to retire for the night. I accompanied her on the way back because its on the way home to my place anyway. That was the biggest opportunity I got so far. Just me, and her, sitting together in the train station.. just... waiting... for the train... no one was even on our platform.. it was already 10.30pm that time. So we just talked. Discussed about internship and further more. Train arrived; I just went it and waited for my stop. I felt a bit sad that she didn't join the same coach as me and went to the women's coach instead because it was already late. I felt a bit useless for not making her feeling secure enough and what not... But my stop came first so it was best she wasn't in this coach anyway. I got off, she just texted me goodbye and I texted back..
--DREAM--
So, this is was a rebuild of what could have happened that night in my dream. We were there.. talking..... my dream showed me...
I asked if I could hold her hand. I did. I talked to her seriously about what I really think about her. I wasn't even tensed... I was just relaxed... speaking like it was my last day of my life..  "Ya know.. my friend told me I am a "flower heart"(花心), because... in high school.. 1 moment I liked a girl.. the next moment I liked another, but this time its different... I've been looking at you for around 2 years already, of course there was some moment that some other girl was on my mind, but I came back immediately after that and just totally forgotten about her.. so far.. you're the only girl that's on my mind... I wish you could be my girlfriend.. and I wish to only be you on my mind... I've gotten to know more about you for over these two years.. and I only grew to like you, the more I know you every time"

so fuckin' naive, cheesy and stupid

andddddddd bam. I woke up and had FEELS and RAGE immediately.... sigh...... though I keep telling myself its just a dream.... but my heart thinks its not just a dream...